Mind Doodles, In Brief
And an ode to mediocrity
And I forgot how hard it is, to sit down and produce something.
No, I didn’t forget.
Also, I didn’t sleep last night.
I have no reason to write here, I tell myself. I have nothing to say — this isn’t true.
I did wake up at 3 this morning, and my head is heavy and body metabolism everything confused. But fuck it, let’s sit down and produce something.
- The song I am listening to now is a memory, a memento to another time. It was one of the songs I listened to on repeat during that messy time when I was new in this country in the MSc with the MS and my body was breaking down, everything was breaking. It was one of my I’m-losing-my-mind songs. The song is called ‘Mind Doodles’ by Alec Troniq.
- Two night ago, I performed at a poetry slam for the first time. Last week I started my new job; this is the first time I am working since finishing the MSc. degree two years ago. I’ve started hosting weekly art nights in my home. Things are happening.
- I’m doing this thing where I do things outside of my comfort zone. It is very uncomfortable.
- In tandem with this time of transition and moving back into the material world, my body is changing. It is subtle maybe, my clothes fit and I’m around the same size, but I’ve gained weight and feel a redestribution of my body weight and shape to something with curves and hips and a different figure. It feels like I am going through a second adolescence that no one told me about.
- I’m drinking coffee now, which usually makes me feel anxious and jittery but I don’t like to admit that, because coffee is delicious and man I am tired. Also: it is okay. The voice in my head that says I can’t eat this do that consume this go there — that voice has been on overdrive for a long time. I’m trying to learn what it means to live as a healthy person. I think the occasional coffee is allowed.
- I live in Israel, and so I am not eligible for the Medium Partner Program, though I have a US bank account and theoretically could find a work-around. But it doesn’t matter, and it takes off some pressure. I put too much pressure on myself already, and don’t need any other stats or things to compulsively check.
- This isn’t a complete post, or cohesive storyline. I’m going to post it anyway. Other people take up space on the internet, I can too.
Do it to do it, Yaeli. Write and post. This is the muscle we are training today.
(In little spurts, it’s interval training. Twenty five minutes at a time).
& Here is a quote I came just that feels very appropriate to today:
“Mediocre in its simple signification I do not despise at all. And one certainly does not rise above that mark by despising what is mediocre. In my opinion one must begin by at least having some respect for the mediocre and know that it already means something, and that it is only reached through great difficulty.”
– Vincent van Gogh, The Letters of Vincent van Gogh