Travel Log, Day 8
: Involving a Covid test, regret and repetitive thinking, and time ticking.
22:59, Tuesday night. August 31.
I’m lying on an air mattress and
Wait. I had to blow my nose again — it’s a cold, not Covid, I know this because that’s what the $195 test told me. I’m still resentful and regretful about the cost, the excuses and justifications pattering in my mind — I did look up free options for the uninsured and couldn’t find (but you could have looked more), I wasn’t feeling well (but you didn’t have a fever, you knew it was a cold), I did just travel internationally and then between states and I’m seeing many people and staying between friends (but you weren’t exposed, that you know of) and it is something that goes beyond me, I would not want to expose anyone (but you could have looked more for the free option)
It’s crazy making. It’s a cycle, it’s a trap. It’s one voice wanting control and wanting to be right and do right, and the other voice speaking from fear and scarcity mindset and judgment.
In the end, things happen. I have a cold. I got the test. It was expensive. It came back negative. And all the rest — the rationalizations and regrets and etc on etc — is commentary.
It’s a cycle, it’s a trap.
What is the trap?
The cycles of repetitive thinking.
The need for control.
The excuses and justifications. The search for validation.
The scarcity mindset — I don’t have, It’s not enough, I can’t.
The fear. The fear.
Oh, I’m boring myself.
Things happen, and are happening still. Platitudes abound and let’s return to the present.
(The past is history, the future is a mystery, something something about now is a gift called the Present).
I’m lying on an air mattress in the room my friend set up for me. I am touched to be here. I had asked her if I could stay at her place for a night or two, and she bought the mattress for my arrival. She left a candle in the room too, and two books on the desk that she thought I would like. I arrived exhausted and congested, and she showed me around and made me feel at home. I took a long shower and here I am.
I am exhausted and congested still, so the story ends here, but (…wait for it!) that’s been #twentyfiveminutes